Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Also, beer. Big fan.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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