So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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