One girl and one boy is just not enough.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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