Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
