Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
