I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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