maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
