That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
