I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
