Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
