You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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