I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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