It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
