I'm really into asian looking animals
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
