Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
