My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
