yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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