Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
