so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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