Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
