I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
