Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I wish i was in the wii world.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
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