Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
