OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
