I will die if light touches me.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
