I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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