so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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