If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
