the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
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