Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
