Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
