Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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