what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
