I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
