dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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