so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
