Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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