When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
