guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
