it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
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