WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
