morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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