You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
