My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
