I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
