dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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