mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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