I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
