oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
