So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
