shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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