3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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