I just made out with a guy for $7.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
