After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
