i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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