u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
this beer tastes like vomit already
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
