I only kidnapped one of them. chill
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
