sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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