I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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