I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
