note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
