This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
