There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
