The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
